I don't wanna heal...

...the way I was healing before.

Ages 19-25 were transformational.

At 19, I noticed little scars all over my body.

At 20, I felt it.

At 21, I became more aware of its existence and effects.

At 22, I did my best to face it

At 23, I dig deeper and fought my Kurama/Sakuna/Liebe (anime lovers would know)

At 24, I embraced the pain and tried to remove myself from it.

At 25, I navigated it.

For those years, I was healing as best as I can.

I sat with my feelings, recognized my pain, and accepted that I have hurt others too. I was angry and cursed the world. I was ashamed for asking love from people I don’t even want to associate myself with. I indulge in self-pity.

As much as those feelings are necessary, I realized in my attempt to heal, I chase unattainable standards that only added scars. This time, it's a self-inflicted one. The kindness and consideration I have given to others - I didn’t just fail to give it to myself, but I did the opposite. Healing that time was numbing my feelings.

Yet I called that progress.

I got traumatized by the pain - the pain they inflicted on me and the pain I inflicted on others. All I did was sit with my feelings, understand why I do things the way I do and do nothing about it.

In total isolation, the walls just got higher and higher.

And when I deal with others, I created rules and standards for what I should and shouldn’t do, and it was a constant cycle of beating myself up when I broke it. Thus, I ended up paralyzed by my fears and pain.

It’ll be cliche to say, but the breakthrough of my situation was realizing self-awareness alone would not nudge me into living my life as I should be.

For me, it is seeing that my dark side is beautiful too.

I realized:

The pain that crushed me, can also be the pain that fuels me to live.

The unhealthy ways I so impatiently wish to get rid of can be the foundation to humble me and remind me that I am not perfect. and;

The scars will make me appreciate love even more - that despite its existence, unconditional love is possible.

The anger in me is the part of me that knows I don’t deserve what they did - so how can I despise that?

Healing is an active effort of permitting myself that I don’t need to fully tame my demon to be unapologetically me.

Healing should allow you to navigate life and live it as best as you can, it shouldn’t restrict life just cause you’re healing.

If it is restricting you, you’re either following the wrong formula or an incomplete one. The beauty of it is, you create it based on your situation.

For me:

Healing is not passive.

So as Matthew McConaughey said, be: